Isn’t it funny how one person can make you feel so many different emotions?  Maybe ‘so many’ is probably not the best turn of phrase in this case; possibly ‘such strong’ might have fitted better.  Isn’t it even stranger how they can do it without apparently even realising how it’s them affecting your feelings?

I know this won’t make much sense – I’ve been wanting to write about this for ages but never convinced myself I had the time – but I promise I’ll explain later.

For now I’m going to write about tonight, and a week or so ago.  Tonight after work we went out for a drink.  ‘We’ being people from work: Mr P, Miss C, Miss D and I.  We were joined by Mr T who used to work for the same company, and his brother.  I don’t really mind Mr T, he’s a nice chap if a little talkative.  However, a couple of weeks ago he started chatting to me on MSN.  He was wondering if we’d gone out that night as he was looking to talk to Mr P about his website.  We chatted for a bit about things, his masters degree, work, that kind of thing, and then he mentioned Miss D.  In fact throughout the conversation he kept mentioning her here and there.  Then he said something which caught my interest: “no i dont think Miss D would approve”.  Why would someone say that?  Time to dig. “I don’t know, she might be impressed by the sentiment and throw herself at you… if that’s what you wanted”, I wasn’t in a subtle mood, though that didn’t seem to matter, “…ummm no.  i take it ..u know about me and her”.  No.  I didn’t, no.  “well …..its nothing really yet”, “but…”, “and iam sure Miss D will kill me for telling people.  she likes to keep some things to herself…which i respect”.  Oh come on now Mr T “you can’t use that as an excuse to stop there”.  “dont know what to say.  nah nothing to say really …Miss D is a bit a mistery. but il keep u updated….if i know”.  That’s enough, the whole world would know what he’s getting at.  It went on a bit him saying he didn’t want to speculate, me pretending not to know what he might be speculating about to see if I could get any more details out of him.  “well we have spend some time together.  been out a few times..  i wont tell u any other details….”.  Pardon?  Don’t like the sound of that, “then other details I’ll have to discreetly find out from elsewhere”, “no”.  Cue (joking) blackmail threat.  Cue silence.  “I suppose if I’m not going to get any more juicy gossip out of yuo tonight I’ll just have to trust when you say you’re going to keep me posted”.  The silence turned out she’d returned his call from earlier asking if she wanted to visit him at university.  “yeah ….iam not say anything more…because there isnt anymore to say. but il keep u posted…”.  Time to make my excuses about just being nosey and just wanting to make up for my dull life by finding out about other people’s.

Which brings us back to tonight.  Miss D has an affect on me – she can be the reason I’m happy and the reason I’m miserable.  Two weeks ago we went out, I sat next to her, talked to her, argued with her, messed about, played little games with her, was very happy.  This week we went out, I didn’t sit next to her, I didn’t talk to her much, I didn’t play, I didn’t argue, and I was miserable.  I don’t know if I brought it on myself a bit – we stopped at one little bar near the station before we met up with Mr T and I sat there feeling a bit down – just the fact I knew Mr T was going to be there and how he felt about her was apparently enough to make me feel miserable.  That’s silly, isn’t it?  We met up with Mr T and his brother and after considerable messing about with her and him trying to organise where we were going (which didn’t exactly help my mood), all sat down in the pub garden.  Miss D, Miss C and Mr T on one side; Pip, Mr P and me on the other (in that order, me opposite Mr T, etc.).  I tried to make the most of it and cheer up a bit.  One or two reasonably ‘innocent’ things happened between them – Mr T went to order food and she went with him (I don’t know if she offered or he asked).  Fine, you’d think.  Not for me, not following what he told me before.  I know why I ask her to help me get drinks.  Maybe I now realise what a useless smokescreen that one is.  On their return he mentions something the barmaid did when he complemented Miss D on her clothes while away.  Thanks for that, makes me feel even better.  Miss C goes to the toilet.  Mr T slides down the bench up to Miss D.  Hm.

On it goes.  Little things which other people wouldn’t notice.  Where he sits when we move inside, the way he points himself, the little looks he gives her when talking.

But now I’m getting confused.  I know what he thinks, if he hadn’t told me I’d have read it tonight, but I am baffled by her.  Totally stuck.  “Miss D is a bit a mistery”.  Yes, she is.  I don’t get her, I can’t understand what she thinks.  She’s expressed her concern for my mood once or twice, mouthing “are you ok” a few times, me saying I am just tired and that kind of thing.  I’m now getting more aware that she keeps catching my eye, she’s looking at me but I don’t know why.  Is she just concerned that her friend is a bit miserable?  I don’t understand.  I smile a few times, pull the odd ‘what are you looking at me for’ face, fail to understand the response and look away giggling a bit.

Trying to bring her back round to concentrating on her – she’s apparently not paying him enough attention – Mr T reaches over to roll her ring round toward him to look at it.  She moved her hand away and rolls the ring round away from him.  Later as we’re leaving Mr P and Miss C at Mr P’s house and heading back here he puts his arm around her shoulders.  She stays.  I want her to move away, but she’s not trying to.  I don’t like it.  I carry on watching quietly.  She does then move out of his reach, noticeably out of his reach, a foot or so away from him.  It’s a proper definite step.  This I like.  At the time.  Thinking now, did she just want to move away so we didn’t think she liked him, to not make it too obvious?  Am I just being stupidly paranoid?

So I’m back home and I’m thinking about it all.  I want to know what she thinks.  Part of me thinks it wouldn’t be a problem to just say: “Mr T really likes you, you could tell on Friday”.  See what she says: “I know, it’s a bit alkward”; “I know, he’s really nice”; “No, he’s just being friendly.  He hugged Miss C to”.  She might be coming to London tomorrow (today, but I’ve not yet slept), and I think I could throw it into conversation there but is it worth it?  More to the point, do I dare actually ask?  Would she feel uncomfortable me digging around like that?  I wish I knew.

I know what would solve all this: “Miss D, I really like you and I didn’t want to say because I was scared if I told you it would spoil the friendship we’ve got.  You’re very special to me – I think about you all the time, and you make me really happy.”  If only it were that easy.